Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I understand Curling. That high.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
