I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
