she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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