mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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