I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
