You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
