I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
