i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
