Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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