Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
