I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
