I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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