I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
