I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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