last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
