Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
