I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
