I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
no, he came in my armpit
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
