Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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