I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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