fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
