Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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