My underwear smells like fireworks.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
