i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
