No awkward lesbian experiences without me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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