I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
