I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
