Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
