i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
