he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
