saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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