Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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