I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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