Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
