Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize