I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
