I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
