Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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