I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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