really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Randomize
