the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
