I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
