I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
