Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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