Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
