The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
pray to the hookup gods
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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