i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
worst night to have a conscience
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
