can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
