I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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