How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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