how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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