I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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