She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
