I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
