He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
