I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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