You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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