and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
