I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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