So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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