you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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