the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
