i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
