I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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